Lessons from the first year...
I know we've only been married for one year...and 3 hours... but already we have learned so many lessons - honestly, more lessons that we ever saw coming. Many people have told us, "The first year is the hardest! After that it just gets better." We are trusting that every day with the Lord going before us will only be better than the day before. I am by no means claiming to have perfected the technique of marriage - because there is no technique. I do, however, want to offer some thoughts on lessons we've learned in these first 12 months to others who may be brand-newly married, engaged to be married, or looking forward to marriage someday in the future. Praise God for His new mercies every morning, and for His grace daily poured out.
Dan does not complete me. Before you gasp, let me clarify. Marriage is not the prescription for a completed life. Your spouse cannot and does not fulfill every deepest longing of your heart. I promise, after a couple months of living together, they will reveal some habit that you don't understand the need for. And (if you're being real with one another) before too many weeks have passed, they will disappoint you and you will feel compelled to let them know it. Expectations are not fully met. Thought processes don't work the same. He can't read her mind and she thinks she can read his - but she's wrong. You hurt each other. Careless words are said. Misunderstanding abounds.
Just in the last month or so God has been teaching me about dealing with these times. I find my attitude to be much more loving and grace-full when I remember that the Word doesn't say to "Delight yourself in Dan and he will give you the desires of your heart..." No. The Word tells me to delight myself in the LORD...and He will give me the desires of my heart. He is the only perfect Lover, for both my husband and myself. He completes me. And when I remember that, it is much easier to give my human husband some leeway.
I am not my husband's personal Holy Spirit and he is not mine. I think it was my Mom that first shared that revelation with me. Sometimes we as spouses are so tempted to parent one another. Not that we shouldn't be in constant prayer, asking God for ways to edify and encourage each other, and even confront sin in each other. But we cannot make it a false burden in our hearts by believing it our personal duty to vanquish the enemy from our spouse's life. It simply cannot be done by human effort.
There comes a time when we have to surrender our spouse to the goodness and faithfulness of God, and trust that He is Lord over both of us, equally. It is a losing battle to attempt to manipulate a spouse into righteousness...I have seen so many try, and fail. Your husband or wife's obedience to God must stem from their own personal conviction from the Holy Spirit. No other power will suffice. And if the LORD is the One completing us, then we can cast off our desperation and anxiety and believe that He is going to complete the good work He started in our spouse.
Sex is NOT what it's all about. It's beautiful, it's precious, it's a celebration. But it's not the meat of marriage. We didn't go into marriage with a really healthy view of sex, so for us this whole past year has been a learning process. We have been coming to see what God meant when He created it for us, and how it is the most amazing example of Christ and His bride. Our culture has turned something sacred into a publicity stunt, and we are both coming to be more disgusted by it all the time. Sex shouldn't be taboo, but neither is it a sport. It is a gift and a glorious symbol of the relentless love of God, and it should be treated that way.
100% transparent honesty is the only way. There is no other option, besides a corroded marriage. Seeds of dishonesty or deceit will take root and grow. A husband and wife can never been in total unity and in true right relationship with one another if there is anything either of them don't know. Never assume - ask. If there is something that is burning in your heart to ask your spouse, ask it now. Don't let your suspicion build and turn into resentment. If there is something you feel convicted to tell your spouse, tell them now. It is better to say too much, better to share even petty things, than to let deceit or resentment become a foothold for the enemy in your house.
Love and respect are equally important. If you are married, engaged, entertaining the idea of getting married, or even think you might someday meet someone you want to marry - you need to read the book Love and Respect by Dr Emerson Eggerichs. It is based on Ephesians 5:25 where the Word says for husbands to love their wives and wives to respect their husbands - something we've heard all our lives. But when you apply that basic principle in the nitty gritty moments of every day life together, it shifts the atmosphere of your marriage. Love is a choice, and so is respect. When a husband begins to treat his wife lovingly, no matter the situation, she responds. When a wife begins to treat her husband with respect no matter the circumstances, he responds. It's so simple, yet so clearly God-breathed.
Worshipping together is like Velcro. It brings us and the Lord together as a unit - a cord of three strands. For us there have been several times in the past year that getting on our faces before God, and crying out to Him as a couple, has brought circumstances into perspective. Remembering all He has done - remembering His faithfulness, His trustworthy-ness, His BIGness - it makes anything that we are dealing with seem so tiny. Like the worshippers marching out before Jehoshaphat's army in 2 Chronicles, so is our worship in the war against our enemy. When we come together with our worship, any differences of opinion, any hurt, any confusion is our relationship gets quickly put in its place - far and away second to the greatness of our God.
The giving and receiving of grace is the giving and receiving of life. Neither of us are perfect. That reality has been made manifest more times than we can count in the last twelve months. Even our best efforts can disappoint at times. We have found that a marriage cannot survive without a strong amount of grace being available from each spouse's heart, extended to the other. And it's crazy...how the knowledge of unconditional love and the presence of grace inspire in the heart of the receiver, a true desire to honor the Giver. I spent many years under the impression that free grace and unconditional love equaled a license to sin. But that is so far from the truth. The knowledge that, "I will never leave you, I will never give up on you..." makes a heart crave intimacy with the Giver, and deep-hearted devotion and obedience are the results. When that reality is manifest in a marriage, it is beautiful.
I find the most joy when I am being Dan's sister in Christ, his best friend, and his lover...all at the same time. I know I am young, and we are still incredibly new at this. I may look back at all of this someday, when we've been married 50+ years, and laugh. But I know there are glorious moments...when all is as it should be. We are in unity with the Lord, brother and sister to Jesus, enjoying the Holy Spirit. We can laugh about the silliest of things. Write songs to the Lord together, go kayaking down rivers, and hiking up mountains, and every sort of adventure. We can lay down in our bed together and feel so perfectly one. We can share the sweetest kisses and the most significant expressions. We can tell each other our deepest hurts, and our most precious joys. We can reach, and listen, and understand, and take some of the others' burdens on ourselves, because there is no division, there are no barriers. We are whole, in that we are together with each other, and together with God.
-HK
Dan does not complete me. Before you gasp, let me clarify. Marriage is not the prescription for a completed life. Your spouse cannot and does not fulfill every deepest longing of your heart. I promise, after a couple months of living together, they will reveal some habit that you don't understand the need for. And (if you're being real with one another) before too many weeks have passed, they will disappoint you and you will feel compelled to let them know it. Expectations are not fully met. Thought processes don't work the same. He can't read her mind and she thinks she can read his - but she's wrong. You hurt each other. Careless words are said. Misunderstanding abounds.
Just in the last month or so God has been teaching me about dealing with these times. I find my attitude to be much more loving and grace-full when I remember that the Word doesn't say to "Delight yourself in Dan and he will give you the desires of your heart..." No. The Word tells me to delight myself in the LORD...and He will give me the desires of my heart. He is the only perfect Lover, for both my husband and myself. He completes me. And when I remember that, it is much easier to give my human husband some leeway.
I am not my husband's personal Holy Spirit and he is not mine. I think it was my Mom that first shared that revelation with me. Sometimes we as spouses are so tempted to parent one another. Not that we shouldn't be in constant prayer, asking God for ways to edify and encourage each other, and even confront sin in each other. But we cannot make it a false burden in our hearts by believing it our personal duty to vanquish the enemy from our spouse's life. It simply cannot be done by human effort.
There comes a time when we have to surrender our spouse to the goodness and faithfulness of God, and trust that He is Lord over both of us, equally. It is a losing battle to attempt to manipulate a spouse into righteousness...I have seen so many try, and fail. Your husband or wife's obedience to God must stem from their own personal conviction from the Holy Spirit. No other power will suffice. And if the LORD is the One completing us, then we can cast off our desperation and anxiety and believe that He is going to complete the good work He started in our spouse.
Sex is NOT what it's all about. It's beautiful, it's precious, it's a celebration. But it's not the meat of marriage. We didn't go into marriage with a really healthy view of sex, so for us this whole past year has been a learning process. We have been coming to see what God meant when He created it for us, and how it is the most amazing example of Christ and His bride. Our culture has turned something sacred into a publicity stunt, and we are both coming to be more disgusted by it all the time. Sex shouldn't be taboo, but neither is it a sport. It is a gift and a glorious symbol of the relentless love of God, and it should be treated that way.
100% transparent honesty is the only way. There is no other option, besides a corroded marriage. Seeds of dishonesty or deceit will take root and grow. A husband and wife can never been in total unity and in true right relationship with one another if there is anything either of them don't know. Never assume - ask. If there is something that is burning in your heart to ask your spouse, ask it now. Don't let your suspicion build and turn into resentment. If there is something you feel convicted to tell your spouse, tell them now. It is better to say too much, better to share even petty things, than to let deceit or resentment become a foothold for the enemy in your house.
Love and respect are equally important. If you are married, engaged, entertaining the idea of getting married, or even think you might someday meet someone you want to marry - you need to read the book Love and Respect by Dr Emerson Eggerichs. It is based on Ephesians 5:25 where the Word says for husbands to love their wives and wives to respect their husbands - something we've heard all our lives. But when you apply that basic principle in the nitty gritty moments of every day life together, it shifts the atmosphere of your marriage. Love is a choice, and so is respect. When a husband begins to treat his wife lovingly, no matter the situation, she responds. When a wife begins to treat her husband with respect no matter the circumstances, he responds. It's so simple, yet so clearly God-breathed.
Worshipping together is like Velcro. It brings us and the Lord together as a unit - a cord of three strands. For us there have been several times in the past year that getting on our faces before God, and crying out to Him as a couple, has brought circumstances into perspective. Remembering all He has done - remembering His faithfulness, His trustworthy-ness, His BIGness - it makes anything that we are dealing with seem so tiny. Like the worshippers marching out before Jehoshaphat's army in 2 Chronicles, so is our worship in the war against our enemy. When we come together with our worship, any differences of opinion, any hurt, any confusion is our relationship gets quickly put in its place - far and away second to the greatness of our God.
The giving and receiving of grace is the giving and receiving of life. Neither of us are perfect. That reality has been made manifest more times than we can count in the last twelve months. Even our best efforts can disappoint at times. We have found that a marriage cannot survive without a strong amount of grace being available from each spouse's heart, extended to the other. And it's crazy...how the knowledge of unconditional love and the presence of grace inspire in the heart of the receiver, a true desire to honor the Giver. I spent many years under the impression that free grace and unconditional love equaled a license to sin. But that is so far from the truth. The knowledge that, "I will never leave you, I will never give up on you..." makes a heart crave intimacy with the Giver, and deep-hearted devotion and obedience are the results. When that reality is manifest in a marriage, it is beautiful.
I find the most joy when I am being Dan's sister in Christ, his best friend, and his lover...all at the same time. I know I am young, and we are still incredibly new at this. I may look back at all of this someday, when we've been married 50+ years, and laugh. But I know there are glorious moments...when all is as it should be. We are in unity with the Lord, brother and sister to Jesus, enjoying the Holy Spirit. We can laugh about the silliest of things. Write songs to the Lord together, go kayaking down rivers, and hiking up mountains, and every sort of adventure. We can lay down in our bed together and feel so perfectly one. We can share the sweetest kisses and the most significant expressions. We can tell each other our deepest hurts, and our most precious joys. We can reach, and listen, and understand, and take some of the others' burdens on ourselves, because there is no division, there are no barriers. We are whole, in that we are together with each other, and together with God.
-HK
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